Manhole Music Tea Room

Last Monday we had O'Neill vs. O'Neill. This week we have two titans of driving prowess:

Battle #3

"Maybe the dingo ate your baby."

Two cops: Lieutenant Frank Bullitt and "Mad" Max Rockatanksy. Two of the greatest car movies of all time: Bullitt's car is a Highland Green, 1968 four-speed Ford Mustang Fastback GT powered by a 390/4V big block engine. The Road Warrior's car is a black 1973 XB GT Ford Falcon Coupe, a car exclusive to Australia.

Bullitt is a cop who doesn't follow procedure. He drives a cool car. "With the way Frank Bullitt's swinging you know he's headed for a crash." Steve McQueen, himself a racer of cars and motorcycles, performed his own stunts and driving during this film. Bullitt is definitely a man's movie: terse Dragnet-style exchanges of dialogue, muscle cars, and shoot-outs abound. As Bullitt's name suggests, not only does he move like a bullet, but he can unleash a hail of them as well.

Max is a cop who goes "mad." Mad Max remains one of my favorite trilogies. The "Road Warrior" as he is known in the second and third movies, employs a sawed-off double-barreled shotgun and lots of leather. Not only is his car hella fast, but its rigged with all manner of gadgets and booby traps. In a straight-up fight, I would have to side with Max. But this is no straight-up fight. The winner of this one will be determined not only by who is the better shot, but who is the better driver. Dare I say who has the better car? Damn straight.

Outcome: On a flat, open road, these men are equal. But that's no fun. To make things more interesting, we put them in a city. Here, Bullitt is clearly superior. Max can handle the straightaways, but not the urban maze. Both of these cars are Fords and are hella fast, but the advantage goes to the Mustang. Lots of torque. Bullitt peppers Max's car with bullets but he cannot stop him. Bullitt has the better car and the better driving skills, but does that win the contest? Don't count out Max and his nitromethane-driven black on black Falcon! With the pedal to the metal, he's able to pull along side Bullitt and blow out his tires with his shotgun. With his tires blown, Bullitt is less of a contender. Abandoning their cars, the two engage in a close round of hand to hand. Max, always with some trick up his sleeve, narrowly defeats Bullitt.

"I'm just here for the gasoline."

Hubble telescope turns 15 today. Hubble has taken 750,000 pictures in the past 15 years. She may be nearing the end of the road, however, for NASA has no plans to launch a fifth service mission on the aging telescope. With her batteries and instruments wearing out, she may stop taking pictures as early as 2007.

The Eagle Nebula

"Revenge of the Sith" is coming out next month. I'm not looking forward to it. How many more characters is George going to ruin in this one? Vader, once a paragon of coolness, is lost utterly because Anakin is such pathetic turd. "I burn for you in my soul!" Ugh. Hayden Christensen, cut off that damn rat tail you little bastard!

And Boba. I used to adore Boba. I bought "Tales from Jabba's Palace" just to get the story in which Boba escaped from the Sarlacc. Fett was a supreme badass, at one time he would have been included on my top ten list. But George had to go and reveal what Jango looked like and ruin the whole damn thing. Part of his badass appeal was what not knowing what hid behind that Mandalorian helmet.

What bugged me most about the first two films was their insane technological level. In episode IV, all we get is a lousy cheap hologram of the death star and some muppets. These had style though. Episode I and II were light years ahead of everything in the original trilogy, yet for all its shinyness it was just fluff. How is it that the damn Gungans are each rendered individually as CG characters while the ewoks were just midgets in suits? How is it that the battle droid destroyers are hyper-technologically advanced killbots while the bots on the Jawa sand crawler are essentially trashcans with legs? Answer me!

Say whaaaat?

Another major problem with the prequels is that Lucas decided to stop blatantly stealing from Kurosawa and try his own "material." George abandoned the "Hidden Fortress" and "Throne of Blood" style for friggin' midichlorians. Midichlorians. The dirt will never come off. "Oh yeah, that mystical 'Force,' its just a bunch of insects that live inside your body." Then there's the whole virgin birth thing too. I don't know what George was thinking, but I hate him.

I'll go to see Episode III eventually, mainly to make comments about how much it will suck. The only character not yet ruined is Lando Calrissian. I still got love for Lando. But who knows, George might decide to reveal he's actually the illegitimate child of Jar-Jar.

Inquiring minds want to know, what's up with Richard Grieco these days? Well, the Tea Room's team of crack google searchers looked into it and found that Grieco is currently working on a Sci-Fi film entitled Raiders of the Damned. Set in a post-apocalyptic future, Raiders centers on a team of elite commandos who are sent behind enemy lines to obtain the cure to a zombie plague. That's right, a commando team and zombies. Grieco will be playing a mad doctor of some sort in this one (if that ain't a poor casting job I don't know what is), who runs a shadow government holding facility.

If the movie Phantom Force is any indication, this one will be quite a stinker.

"If Looks Could Kill was pretty funny, right? Right?"

Aaliyah - "Try Again." That girl was funky (God rest her soul). With Timbaland orchestrating the flow and Aaliyah providing the vocals, you can hardly go wrong. What initially attracted me to this song was that it was included on the "Romeo Must Die" soundtrack. That name is so ill it gives me malaria. But the song by itself is funky too. I'm particulary impressed by the beat on this one, which is sort of a distorted break beat. Timbaland's interjection, "It's been a long time, shouldn't have left you, without a dope beat to step to" is one of those funk peculiarities that comes around every once and a while, like "Oops up side your head" or "Come along and ride on a fantastic voyage." It doesn't have to mean anything. It just is.

Sam & Dave - "Thank You." Sam & Dave are masters of stripped down soul. This is the polar opposite of everything that came out of Motown; gritty drummification, nasty horns, and screaming where there should be crooning. Check the funky electric piano. Who does that these days? It isn't a particularly dated sound. The hand clap too. The hand clap used to be a staple of a good pop song. Now it has been replaced by Lil' John screaming "yeah" every five seconds. In every sense Sam & Dave is Southern music. Sweaty juke joint music. Soul music has lost this vibe in the past 20 years, being geared more towards the style laid down by Marvin Gaye and Luther Vandross. I don't dislike that style of soul, I just happen to prefer the nasty to the refined. Southern soul shall rise again.

Mark Morrison - "Return of the Mack." English soul is another peculiarity. Well, this little gem blows practically all other English R&B out of the water (Craig David, take note, Mark's got your number). A solid break backed up by a good hook and some of the illest cutting you'll hear in an R&B number make this song one of my absolute favorite jams.

Isaac Hayes - "Walk On By." It gives me chills. I prefer this version to the Bacharach original. In the opening moments of the song, as the strings swoop in and the guitar and bass funk out is one of my favorite openings in any song. Someone should sample this. Isaac is, as usual, an excellent vocalist. The back-up singers deserve some Kudos too for the haunting repetition of "walk on."

Isley Brothers - "Its Your Thing." An old favorite. The message is a thinly veiled appeal to sexual freedom. "Makes no difference who you give your thang to." There's a Sam & Dave element here, but this is considerably more produced. The horns and guitar kick my ass.

Phil Collins & Phil Bailey - "Easy Lover." Ah yes, overproduced R&B at its finest. This is my favorite song by Phil Collins (of the two songs by him I like). Synth abounds throughout this one. But after listening to it several times I realized that it in its sound it bears a strange resemblance to Van Halen, particularly in the drums, which I like.

Here then are the elite five badasses of film:

5. Joe (aka The Man With No Name). Not a badass name, I know. But this is Clint Eastwood's Joe from A Fistful of Dollars. The plot is based directly on Yojimbo (almost shot for shot) and the character Joe was modelled after Sanjuro as well. I decided to rank him higher than Sanjuro because, well, just because. In this film they use guns, which are considerably more deadly than swords, so I figured Joe deserved a higher ranking. The final scene, in which Joe employs an Iron plate as body armor and stands down an entire gang of Mexicans is enough to warrant him being included on this list. "The heart, Ramone. Don't forget the heart. Aim for the heart, or you'll never stop me." 

4. John McClane. You didn't think I wasn't gonna have John McClane did you? Yippee-ki yay and all that? Well, in just the first Die Hard (1988), he racks up an impressive body count against a gang of German terrorists. I don't think I have to mention his second and third showings (largely because they are inferior films). He's not uber strong or utterly heedless of death or pain, and that's what makes him appealing. In each of his movies he ends up looking like someone who has just gone through utter hell: blood oozing from every orifice, bruised, and in dire need of medical attention - like a badass Christ figure.

"Du Verstinkender Cowboy"

3. Lee. Bruce Lee movies are like the fine art of kitschy ass kicking. Enter the Dragon has the one-armed Renegade Shaolin Kung-Fu master Han turned drug-runner square off against Shaolin master Lee in a battle to the death. Han's private island is the center of an Opium smuggling and prostitution ring - Lee is sent in to destroy it. Lee's cocky Kung-Fu style is definitely in effect in this one. Han utilizes deadly prosthetic attachments in an attempt to kill Lee, but is defeated. Bruce Lee Made stereotypical Kung-Fu noises acceptable behavior amongst adult males ('nuff said).

Who wants to taste some of my General Tso?

2. Indiana Jones. Like McClane, Indiana always comes out of every scrape looking like he went through hell. The whip is not necessarily a badass weapon, but he more than makes up for it in the use of his six shooter and fists. I don't know of any other single figure who did more to defeat the Nazis than Indiana either. Not only does he foil the Nazi plot to obtain the Cup of Christ, but he also prevents them from getting their hands on the Ark of the Covenant. For an archeologist, that ain't bad. Academics are underrepresented in the badass field. He's also arguably one of the best traveled badasses on this list, having visited virtually every continent except perhaps Australia and Antarctica. "Nazis. I hate these guys."

1. John Rambo. Face it. The muscles, the rage, the pride, the exploding arrows. Renegade Rambo versus blundering redneck cops. Vericose-muscle Rambo versus tiny Vietnamese army. Rambo ramming tank into Soviet gunship. Rambo versus God himself. John Rambo won the damn Cold War by himself, why not? If one had to point to a movie that defined what "badass" means in the current vernacular, one would undoubtedly point to First Blood: Part II. Overflowing with machismo, gun worship, and unchecked jingoism, First Blood is to badasses what Michelangelo's Sistine Chapel is to Frescoe painters. "Murdock... I'm coming to get you!"

After Leppy's victory over the Egyptian last week, I thought I'd try something less "ethnic." This week I have a face off between doppelgangers. Colonel Jack O'Neill (as played by Richard Dean Anderson) versus Colonel Jack O'Neill (as played by Kurt Russell):

Battle #2: 

"Oh great, more Snake Heads."

Who has the better hair? Or better yet, who has the better role? Arguably, they're the same. But oh so different. Kurt Russell established the template for Jack O'Neill in the movie Stargate (1994), without which, there would be no SG-1. Sans Kurt Russell, Jack O'Neill as we know him would not exist. In his place would be a bizarro O'Neill who would be married to Major Carter...oh, wait, yeah, they already did that. But I'm sure you understand what I mean when I say no Kurt Russell O'Neill, no Richard Dean O'Neill.

Despite portraying O'Neill first, Kurt Russell imbued his dramatis persona with some of the badassity of his previous roles, namely Snake Plissken. Also note his portrayal of Jack Burton in Big Trouble in Little China.  The man fought Manchu sorcerers. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, MacGyver! He was Captain Ron for friggin sakes! Kurt Russell is one of the great badass role players in movie history. Can Richard Dean hold a candle to him?

Where was Richard Dean when Kurt Russell was starring in Escape From New York? He was playing Dr. Jeff Webber on General Hospital. That ain't badass. Sure, the ladies might adore you, but that don't win battles in the Dome. But I'll give Richard Dean some credit. MacGyver, admittedly, was a badass. A techno-mage who could bend all matter and machines to his will, a skill which comes in handy in the Dome. Also to his credit, Richard Dean further developed the character of Jack O'Neill, making him what we know today. How many times did the man take hits from staff weapons and shrug them off? How many times has he had the knowledge of the Ancients downloaded into his brain? Has Kurt Russell single-handedly saved the earth from Alien invasion? No.

Outcome: Russell O'Neill dominates the opening rounds of the fight by pounding Richard Dean O'Neill into a pulp (since this is Russell O'Neill's future self, he does not feel it). But Richard Dean O'Neill is a wily cat, benefitting from years of experience. Richard Dean utilizes a paper clip and pocket lint to fashion a deadly weapon, with which he grievously wounds Russell (this being his past self, Richard Dean is himself wounded). Russell responds by unleashing a whuppin' on Richard Dean, but its not enough. Richard Dean responds in kind, but it too is not enough. The men cannot best each other. The fabric of space and time breaks apart. It's a draw. But a cataclysmic draw. Not only can the same matter not occupy the same space (thank you, Timecop), but having O'Neill fight himself would prove nothing. Neither is stronger than the other (although Kurt Russell is cooler). Draw!

So much of this "community" is filled with dreck. I'm not part of this "community," I merely feed off of it. This is an official call for Blog.com to be burned down and rebuilt. In the Tea Room's image, of course. Consider the following cases:

First there's http://283forever.blog.com/, which is just an utter waste of space. It needs to be killed. Then there's the much worse http://abercrombiekid18.blog.com/, which states, "if u like abercrombie and other stores look here."  These blogs need to be napalmed. With a vengeance.

But let me state that I got mad love for The Saskatoon Chamber of Commerce. Keepin' it real in Saskatchewan! But the rest of this garbage has to be stopped.

First we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 

Out.

The name "Manhole Music Tea Room" is taken from a b-movie by Japanese director Seijun Suzuki called Tokyo Drifter (Tokyo Nagaremono). In the film, a yakuza group utilizes the "Manhole Music Tea Room," a very mod sewer-themed dance club, as a front for their criminal operations.

Yeah, that's us, secretly plotting your demise.

I got to thinking about my favorite film badasses and decided to rank them based on totally subjective criteria. Here's part one, #10 through #6:

10. Paul Kersey. Vigilante Paul Kersey is perhaps Charles Bronson's greatest (at least most memorable) role. Kersey's story is the classic liberal to conservative conversion story. Kersey is one of the liberals who gets "mugged." After his wife is murdered and his daughter is raped, New York architect Kersey turns to a life of vigilantism. After his transformation he becomes a "Vigilante, city style -- Judge, Jury, and Executioner." Thugs, gangers, and no-goodniks had better watch out when Kersey is in town, because he's packing .30 caliber machine guns and grenade launchers. When a pick pocket snatches his camera, Kersey produces an elephant pistol (a pistol for killing BIG game) and drops him with a slug to the back. Man, that's cold blooded.

9. Snake Plissken. Escape From New York is a vision of what the Big Apple would be like without Paul Kersey, a penal colony controlled by a crime boss named "The Duke." When the President crash lands on Manhattan (in futuristic 1997!), condemned criminal Snake is brought in to rescue him. Employing a silenced Uzi with a scope, Plissken survives where others would have surely died. Later, in Escape From LA, Snake makes an impossible series of baskets in a basketball shoot-off. Yes, he's a certifiable badass:

Bob Hauk: You going to kill me, Snake?
Snake Plissken: Not now, I'm too tired.
[pause]
Snake Plissken: Maybe later.

That Snake Plissken is one cool son of a bitch.

8. Colonel James Braddock. Admittedly, the Missing in Action series is stupid. But Colonel James Braddock (played by a pre-"Walker" Chuck Norris) shines as one of the outstanding badasses of B-movie propaganda. Braddock cunningly escapes from his VC prison camp, raids the munitions depot, utilizes a flamethrower in a spectacular display of overkill against unwary guards, and kung-fu kicks the crap out of the prison warden Colonel Yin (played by Soon-tek Oh, who also had a bit part on Stargate SG-1 a while back) . It appears as if Braddock will spare Yin, but he produces a detonator as he walks away, annihilating Yin's command hut in a fireball. "You lose."

Soon-tek can take Daniel Jackson

7. Ashley J. 'Ash' Williams. Come on, its Ash for fargin sakes. Sporting a shotgun and a chainsaw, Ash deals death with pinache (note the assonance). Ash, who works in housewares, goes toe to toe with the "Deadites" in the form of witches, zombies, skeletons, and even miniature versions of himself. It's his "everyman" quality that is appealing, "Shop smart, shop S-Mart." He has trouble with the magical words though, and who wouldn't? Klaatu, Verata, Nicto, or was that Necto? Aw hell, close enough.... Ash made fighting the undead cool, and people you better take note, 'cause they're coming.

6. Sanjuro Tsubaki. So far we've only had Americans, but Sanjuro deserves to be included on the list of badasses for many reasons. First, we don't know what his real name is. "Sanjuro" simply means "30 years old." In his two main films, Sanjuro, and the prequel Yojimbo, Sanjuro is a masterless Samurai (Ronin) who wanders from town to town in search of God knows what, mostly mayhem. In Yojimbo he singlehandedly orchestrates the destruction of two rival gangs, playing them off against one another. There's plenty of swordplay, and Sanjuro easily cuts down dozens of opponents in rapid succession. After killing two men and slicing the arm off a third, Sanjuro remarks: "Cooper. Two coffins... No, maybe three." The final fight scene of Sanjuro features one of the largest arterial blood spurts in all of film.

There you have it. Part two is forthcoming.